Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Randomize
