I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
