Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
