Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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