I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
