sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
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