come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
