Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
We had to coat check the pizza.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
