She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
