Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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