He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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