Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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