Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
