Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
