so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
