NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
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