He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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