So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
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