i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
