I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
