I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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