dude she licked ball and has every Are you afraid of the dark episode on dvd
lock that shit down
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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