apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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