Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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