You're my little dorito
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
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