..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Randomize
