Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
