ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
