I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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