I'm drive I can fine osifer
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
