tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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