I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
