I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Randomize
