I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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