dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
