You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
