Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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