I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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