She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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