Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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