i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
And then he peed in my hair
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