On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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