Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
