my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
only you would photoshop your dick
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
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