I can text with my tongue
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Someone signed my nipple.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize