Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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