Whatcha textin bout Willis?
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
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