May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
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