It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
