i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Randomize
