I puked a lego.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
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