Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Everything about him screamed your future.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
