I cannot find my penis.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
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