HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Randomize
