Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
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