Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I looked at my own cervix.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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