Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Randomize
